"Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee".
- St. Augustine
As I look back on this past year, it is so easy to see God's hand working in our lives, but I'm not going to sugar-coat it...
It's been a tough year.
Between living so far from my beloved family, having a husband who works nearly non-stop, and a curious, headstrong, growing little one relying completely on me; I've been stretched just a bit. Yet, aside from the external upheaval, the greatest changes have been occurring in my heart.
If you had asked me if God was working in my heart the last couple of years in Houston, I would have said "Sure! All the time", but I would not have been completely truthful. For the last couple of years, I've been crying out to God almost feeling abandoned and lost; seeing Him working and knowing He was there, but not feeling Him in my heart. Not hearing His voice clearly. The waters were muddy.
But, of course, He was there. Waiting, yet again, for me to seek Him.
Much like the amazing Switchfoot song, I was crying out to God:
"Let me know that You hear me.
Let me know Your touch.
Let me know that You love me..."
The last stanza is the real kicker...
Let that be enough.
I'm not good at the 'enough' part. My flesh craves more than just abiding in God and, therein, lies the catch. God wanted me to seek Him with no fall back plan, no crutch (just in case), no running to mommy to 'talk it out'.
Seek Me and you will find Me.<--- note the period at the end of that sentence.
So, 'seek' I did and 'find' I didder. (not a word.)
I felt like running and hiding at times after God released a storm of conviction upon my heart. How silly are we to sit in our comfortable, 'godly' lives in smug self-satisfaction thinking we're doing just fine?! "Surely, I am doing better than most", I would ironically tell myself.
God has been working on me like never before and it's been humbling and painful and beautiful and life-giving! I've organized my pervasive heart revelations into 5 categories and since it's midnight and i'm feeling like being a tad vulnerable, I will share them below along with verses I've found that provide me with strength:
1) Unresolved anger and bitterness towards some people and events in my life
- Hebrews 12:14-15
- James 4:1-12
- "Therefore, let us make every effore to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." - Romans 14:19
- Eph. 4:26-27,31-32
- James 1:2-4
- Proverbs 12:25, 14:26, 30
- Romans 14:19
- Proverbs 16:21
- Matthew 14:27
- "Peace I leave with you. My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27
- "Am I now trying to win the favor of people or God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a slave of Christ." - Galations 1:10
- James 4:4-10
- Read an amazing book called Desire by John Eldredge -- I highly recommend it!
- Entire book of Ecclessiastes
- Hebrews 11:16
- Hebrews 11:1
- John 4:10
- Isaiah 55:1-2
- Exodus 19:6
- Rev 5:10
- Matthew 4:8-11
- Romans 8:22-25
5) Releasing the bondage of desiring money/possessions
- Proverbs 30:7-9
- Countless other verses.
- Radical by Dr. David Platt is a book I would also highly recommend and definitely has changed James' heart and my heart in many ways.
While I've been making great progress in working through these things, I am far from a finished product... But, isn't that the blessing/curse of this world?
My prayer is that through my {over}sharing, God may help soften your heart to His voice or give you the strength to work through the valley in which you may currently find yourself. Either way, I pray you understand my heart.
While I truly do feel I made great strides in conquering my fears and striking out to make friends and continue to attend church, even if alone, I can't help but feel excited to 'start over' in Omaha. It's the same feeling I had when I was graduating high school excited to start fresh with new friends in a new place! It's invigorating!
So, heading to Omaha, I desire to to overcome my insecurity and pride in even greater ways as I seek to build new relationships and make new friends. I, also, pray for greater time as a family and intimacy with James (and I don't mean physical!). Absence can make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes the heart grow lonely...and isolated. God has given us many sweet times together and I know He will bless our marriage and faithfulness in the ever-difficult road ahead.
I hope you'll join me for the adventure! :)
Grace and peace to you, my friends! (If any of you are still out there! :))
