I trust You.

Back in May of 2010, I was dealing with some tough spiritual issues.  I had a lot of doubts and questions.  I felt like maybe God couldn't hear me... or maybe He just stopped listening.  I was blinded by foolishness, selfishness, and pride.  {I won't go into everything here, but if you ever wanted me to expand on that, I am open about it.}

Three days before I found out I was pregnant, I was alone at home.  James was working night shifts and I was feeling lonely and scared in our tiny apartment next to the medical center in downtown Houston.  I was trying to fall asleep in the guest bed (where I slept when James was not home...not sure why I felt less alone there) and yet I kept wishing morning wouldn't come.  Work was tough for me at the time.  I cried out to God, again, finally humbling myself to realize maybe He wasn't the problem.

Maybe it was me who wasn't listening.

I have no idea how I stumbled upon this song in those moments of desperation.  Maybe I just googled something about trusting God.  I really wanted to trust Him again.  I was finished paying lip service.  I wanted it to be authentic.  Without reservation.

I may have grown up a little white, baptist church mouse, but I believe those who truly know me won't be surprised that I love this song.  Deep down inside, behind all the decorum lies a heart that loves to worship our King with uninhibited passion {in private}. 

This song reached into my soul that night and was exactly what I needed.  I listened to it about 10 times, tears streaming down my cheeks.  With each click of the 'replay' button, my confidence grew.

My new mantra became silently repeating to myself.  I will trust You.  I will trust You.  I will trust You.

And, just three days later when I had locked myself in a Whataburger bathroom on my lunch hour and read PREGNANT on a little test strip, you better believe I needed it!




"Even though I can't see
and I can't feel your touch
I will trust you Lord
how I love you so much
though my nights my seem long
and I feel so alone
Lord my trust is in you
I surrender to you"

"But I trust You
Lord it's not easy
sometimes the pain in my life
makes You seem far away
but I'll trustYou
I need to know You're here
through the tears and the pain
through the heartache and rain"

Starting at 3:11 it starts getting really good.  Make sure you catch that part.

Something tonight made me remember this song.  Maybe it's because James is away, again, working a night shift and I needed a reminder to TRUST Him.  I feel like this is a time in my life where I'm being refined by fire.  And, sometimes it 'burns so good' and, sometimes...it just burns. 

But, as the song states, God.will.make.a.way.  



²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139